Antidepressants: " Do not take them, no matter what they say. They’re not worth it."

By Amy Ryan

“Depression is more than just sadness. People with depression may experience a lack of interest and pleasure in daily activities, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia or excessive sleeping, lack of energy, inability to concentrate, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt and recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.” (American Psychological Association)

Depression is common. In fact, about one in ten people will experience depression at some point in their lives. However, the exact number of people with depression is hard to estimate because many people do not get help or are not formally diagnosed with the condition.

Do we understand depression and how to treat it here in Ireland? It doesn’t seem so; statistics show that our suicide rates are high in comparison to other countries. Depression that goes undiagnosed or isn’t treated properly may well be the reason for our high suicide rates.

Carol told me her story about dealing with depression since she was 17. I wanted to hear about her experience in dealing with a mental health issue in Ireland.  

“I didn’t know how I felt; I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t know how to cope with the erratic feelings I had.”

Carol went to see her family doctor, the GP that she had been attending since she was a child. She said that she felt patronised and felt that she didn’t listen to her. 

“She was doing all the talking whereas she should have been the one listening. She had no hesitations in writing me a prescription for antidepressants.

“She was more focused on getting me in and out of the room than actually listening to what I had to say.”

During her first visit, the doctor advised her to call a counsellor and handed the young girl a business card for a local service. She took the card, her hand was shaking. She knew that she wouldn’t go to a counsellor, it was hard enough for her to go to the GP.

Carol left the doctor’s surgery, unsure what to feel. There was a sense of relief that she knew what was causing her to feel this way; depression. She also had a prescription in her hand, for a pill that would ‘make her feel better’.

Yet, staring at the prescription for antidepressants she still felt that she didn’t understand what was happening to her. She felt that she had no understanding about the emotional turmoil she was feeling and the doctor hadn’t helped shed any light on the illness.

“My GP didn’t explain that it was a disease or how to deal with it. I didn’t know anything about antidepressants or how they affected you. She didn’t explain it to me; she just told me they’d make you feel better.”

Carol returned to the doctor every 6 months to renew her prescription and consult with her doctor.

She said that she didn’t feel like the doctor ever questioned whether it was necessary to remain on medication. When Carol said that she felt fine, the doctor would say: “Let me write you another prescription, just in case.”

Carol began feeling very lethargic while on the medication, she started falling asleep a lot in class. She also lost lots of weight and began to suffer from mood swings. She said that she didn’t feel that it helped her feelings of depression.

“I didn’t feel any better and it wasn’t long after that that I started to cut myself. I did that for 10 years while I was on the tablets.

“The medication is meant to be helping you but it feels like its suppressing you. You can’t express your feelings. I was living, but not living at the same time. There is a numbing effect on your emotions.”

Carol came off the medication after 8 years with the help and support of her friends and family after she started to open up about her depression. Her emotions gradually began to become stronger, the ‘numbness’ eased away. She felt more emotional “in a positive way”.

“I was learning how to deal with my emotions finally, instead of just taking tablets to keep them at bay and hide them away from everybody.

“My personality came back. I was a lot happier, a lot more upbeat.”

She began to feel more positive and things became easier when she opened up to friends and family. The depression wasn’t gone; it will always be there, just below the surface. But she began to learn to manage it.

She began attending counselling through Pieta House and began to learn how to cope with the illness. I asked her how she would advise a friend who was struggling with anxiety, depression or self-harm.

“If a friend approached me for advice about antidepressants, I wouldn’t recommend them. Do not take them, no matter what they say. They’re not worth it.

“You don’t know how they are going to affect you. You don’t know if you’ll be the same person. I think you only feel better because of the placebo effect, I don’t think they do anything.”

The placebo effect usually refers to when a drug is being tested against a tablet that may be just made of sugar, for example. When testing the effectiveness of drugs, many patients report improvements in the symptoms of their illness, even when they are taking the placebo. This is due to the patient’s belief that the drug is helping them. Mind over matter.

“If you have anxiety or depression, you need to focus on counselling. It’s very hard to talk, I know I’ve been there. It was a taboo to talk about your feelings or mental health while I was growing up.”

Carol’s story is one of many. Antidepressants are commonplace in Ireland, although we don’t talk about it.

“Depression is the most common mental disorder. Fortunately, depression is treatable. A combination of therapy and antidepressant medication can help ensure recovery.”(American Psychological

Association)

It’s naïve to believe that we can cure our thoughts with a pill. Medication may be necessary in some cases, but the placebo effect is much more effective than the drug itself. Especially when, here in Ireland, doctors are held in such high regard that many people take their doctor’s advice without hesitation or investigation. It’s not the doctor’s fault either, a patient needs to take control of their illness in order to overcome it.

The side effects of antidepressants are unnerving. Some common side effects of Lexapro, for example, include sexual dysfunction, loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance, unusual drowsiness and trouble sleeping.

I find the latter baffling since these are symptoms of depression.

“Antidepressants may have a role in inducing worsening of depression and the emergence of suicidality in certain patients during the early phases of treatment. An increased risk of suicidal thinking and behavior in children, adolescents, and young adults (aged 18 to 24 years) with major depressive disorder (MDD) and other psychiatric disorders has been reported with short-term use of antidepressant drugs.

“Adult and pediatric patients receiving antidepressants for MDD, as well as for psychiatric and nonpsychiatric indications, have reported symptoms that may be precursors to emerging suicidality, including anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, akathisia, hypomania, and mania. Causality has not been established.”     (Drugs.com)

What is the moral of Carol’s story?

We need to look a little further than what the doctor prescribes to overcome mental illnesses. They are much too complex to be treated solely with medication. Antidepressants may help you to put a lid on your emotions and deal with severe symptoms, but are they a long-term solution? 

Pieta House provide councelling free of charge

http://www.pieta.ie/

You can call Samaritans for immediate support on 116 123

My Mind provide discounted rates to students and those on social welfare

https://mymind.org/

C-Saw provide councellors free of charge in Clonmel, Co. Tipperary 

052 6172477

https://www.facebook.com/csaw.southtipperary.5

If you like my blog, keep an eye out for the new Facebook page that is coming soon! 

Thanks for reading! 

A Journey Through Addiction

By Amy Ryan

As Maria walked down the laneway towards me, she seemed confident. She is an old friend, we had often spent time talking about the struggles of anxiety. She suffers, every day.

“You look beautiful”, I said. She has the perfect figure, tall and slender.

“Stop! I’m after putting on weight since I last saw you.”

She was never good at taking compliments. But anxiety can affect you in many ways. It can cripple your confidence.

“It retarded me, mentally and physically. I couldn’t talk to people or hold conversations. I couldn’t live my life.

“If I had to go out, I would be building myself up for about an hour. I was terrified, trying to get myself together just to go outside.”

Her anxiety led her down a rocky road to alcohol abuse from an early age. She didn’t know how to cope with it.

“I started drinking at 13. By the time I was 18, I used to drink a bottle of raw vodka or whiskey every day.”

She also began to abuse prescription medication, taking relaxers to ease her anxiety which was heightened by her alcoholism. She finds it difficult to recall events in her life accurately, she said It’s a bit of a “blur.”

At age 20, her life began to fall apart. Her addiction was causing cracks in the family home and her parents were desperate. She was dragged “kicking and screaming” to the acute mental care facility. Her family hoped that they could give her the help she needed. But Maria found the experience quite traumatic.

“I don’t feel that people in crisis are helped when they enter the mental health system. You’re just brought in, highly medicated, stuck in a bed and can’t go anywhere. You begin to go insane overthinking how you have arrived at this point.”

She felt that it was difficult to get better when you are surrounded by “cabbages” who are very mentally unstable. She felt frustrated with the care she received from her psychiatrist.

“He told me that I could die by the age of 22 if I didn’t stop drinking and abusing the medication. But he said that and then dished me out all these highly addictive tablets.”

Maria was diagnosed with a wide range of mental illnesses, ranging from a personality disorder to ADD to addiction. With this long list of labels, came an equally lengthy list of medication to treat them.

“The side effects of these drugs are worse than the problem itself. They were ruining my life.

“It’s senseless that they are supposed to treat your symptoms but one of the side effects of the medication are suicidal thoughts? You start to feel like a burden because you can’t do anything, your head is gone.”

Maria described the difficulties in finding support outside of her family because people don’t understand mental health in Ireland. She said that she would be reluctant to tell people about it.

“There’s a stigma still attached to it here in Ireland, they don’t see you as a normal person.”

Maria has been sober for four years now. Her life “completely changed” when she began to turn to alternative therapies and she began weaning herself off the medication.

At 23, she fell pregnant. This milestone turned her world upside down.

“My life completely changed after she was born, for the better. It gave me purpose which I didn’t feel I had before. 

“That is when I said I had to change now for good. I was so determined to change my lifestyle. Having my little girl pushed me to get better even more.

“That’s what kept me going and haven't looked back since.”

Maria is 26 now and her daughter is 3 years old. She is currently studying a Neuropathic Nutrition diploma in the College of Naturopathic Medicine. She hopes to open her own clinic some day to help others who need it.

“Mental illness doesn’t characterise you, anyone can suffer at some stage in their lives.

“I was very ashamed of being in a psychiatric unit but I’m not now. When I look back, I’ve seen so many people who’ve been in the same situation.

“I’m a better person now after being through all this, I’m a lot stronger.”

****************************************************************

Hope you enjoyed reading this article!

If you have experience with mental illness or have information about treating it with alternative therapies, please get in touch. I will be doing a thesis about mental health and continue to investigate the use of medication in treating it so I'm still looking for people to chat to and learn more myself. 

I'm very passionate about mental health awareness being someone who suffers too. If you would like to tell your story, get in touch! It can remain completely confidential if that's what you prefer. 

My contact details:

amy_ryan90@hotmail.com

0857580034

https://www.facebook.com/amy.ryan.1272

If you need help, here is a list of helplines:

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/need-help-now/

Choose Happiness.

Hey, guys and gals!

I wanted to share some of the positive vibes.

This blog is about the journey to happiness, some people aren’t a fan of this kind of thing. If it’s not for you, that’s ok. I hope you find happiness in your own way.

No one can predict the future, so why do I try?

Quite often, I find it difficult to be happy and positive. I may not seem that way on the outside, but I worry about ridiculous things all the time.

At the moment, I’m in college, absolutely loving life but I’m super stressed about what the hell I’m going to do once this is over. I’m the kind of person who likes to know the next step.

 I enjoy planning things for the near and pre-distant future and when I don’t really have an idea set up to loosely follow, hello anxiety!

I like having things to look forward to. It helps as you wade through the day-to-day dung.

Living in the past isn’t living at all

I used to spend lots of time fretting over the past too. I was just allowing myself drift into daydreams of various horrible memories of the things that made me feel really awful at some time in my life. 

I would feel overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and anger.

Then one day, fresh tears were flowing down my face as I was reminiscing about one bad day. I was surprised to see how upset I still was about this day, even after so much time had passed.

I dried my tears and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at the tears that felt like old friends.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” I asked myself.

I was choosing to resurface this memory. Nothing had prompted it. I was choosing to dig up my demons each and every time these tears returned.

“Why do you bring up the bad memories all the time?”

 Why don’t you every look back at the positive things that have happened in your life?” I said.

“Remember the day you stood before the Taj Mahal,

“Remember the marshmallow sky as you watched the sun set in Kinsale,

“Remember when he told you he loved you and your heart felt like it would burst with butterflies!”

I felt a wave of realisation come over me that day as I stood in front of the mirror.

That was the day I chose happiness.

I’m sure that other people can relate to this type of negative thinking. Our egos are constantly trying to make us evaluate every social encounter so that we can gauge how we might be perceived by other people.

Our ego is our biggest enemy in life.

Everyone is driven by this, especially nowadays. The people who are at the top of the game are those most afflicted by this terrible curse.

So, where the hell is this going? To start being happy, you need to choose to see your life in a more positive light.

Appreciate everything.

If you have a nice coffee with a friend, briefly acknowledge the positive experience you just had.

If something great happens, tell the whole world about the amazing, happy thing that happened.

We spend so much time and energy dwelling on the shit things about life and the negative crap.

Then you spend some more time telling your parents about the awful thing, then your sister, then your friends, then your colleagues. You get it.

What has happened? You have created the most gigantic mountain of manure out of a minor bump in the road.

You did that. You ruined your whole day over that.

So what should you do the next time?

Choose happiness. Choose smiles. Choose laughter. Choose friends. Choose your unique and crazy family. Choose music. Choose dancing around your room. Choose singing in the car. Choose a great meal. Choose quality time. Choose interesting conversations. Choose learning more about the world. Choose a story. Choose art. Choose expression. Choose love.

Choose what makes you happy and focus on that.

This is essentially the philosophy behind ALL of the mindfulness and positivity books, courses, apps…..everything. I think half of it is a money making racket so why don’t you stop wasting your money and start with the simple things.

Stop complaining. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop gossiping. Stop comparing.

Then, you might see your world in a whole new light.

There are lots of ways of helping you to remind yourself to be positive (and we need to remind ourselves every day).

You can try mood boards, happy jars, gratitude journals, mantras, keeping a diary…..the list goes on. 

I started a happy jar last year and it was so nice to see it filling up and it was even better to sit down and read through everything at the end of the year.

Hope you enjoyed this, just a little food for thought.

Yours truly,

Amy

How To: Find Cheap Travel Accommodation

Thinking of travelling this summer? Worrying about the cost involved? Here is a look at the different variety of options available for your getaway.

With so many options for travel accommodation nowadays, sometimes it can be difficult to choose the right one for your needs. Travel costs can be relatively cheap; however finding accommodation can be the most difficult part of planning your trip.

Hotels

The traditional choice for most holiday-makers. Hotels are usually best for short city breaks or for the traveller looking for a little more luxury.

Benefits: It’s possible to find cheap hotels offers if you keep an eye out on websites like Booking.com and LastMinute.com which as really easy to use. Use the filters options to narrow your search to find the right hotel for you. Hotels can also offer good half board or all inclusive deals, the best ones normally found in resorts.

Downfalls: 3-4 star hotels don’t usually offer the best food. Usually, they serve generic Western meals that are aimed to suit the needs of most of the guests but often fail to provide a taste of the local cuisine. Sometimes, a package hotel may have hidden costs like paying for your sun loungers. Resorts are often found in more rural areas with little to no bars or nightlife around, so you may end up stuck in the hotel with an expensive bar and awful tribute bands.

May suit: Couples, families or small groups looking for a relaxing holiday.

Hostels

Often known as ‘youth’ hostels, but may be a great option for any age. The best tip I can give is to spend a little time reading the reviews for the hostel. Tripadvisor and Booking.com have plenty of reviews. Avoid if there are consistent negative reviews. One bad review doesn’t mean it’s not a nice place to stay, some people are never happy!

Benefits: Shared dorms often come at a much cheaper price in comparison to a hotel. There are usually great bars in the hostels where solo travellers hang out and you will always meet lots of new people from different countries. Most rooms will come with a shared bathroom but they are usually very clean and it’s not something to worry about.

Downfalls: Sharing a room with 6-12 people can be frustrating in some ways. You have to be very considerate of the other people if you are arriving home late, especially if you’ve had a few drinks. Some hostels aren’t as clean as others, I have heard a few horror stories about bed bugs and that is something I would have been concerned about in choosing hostels. Checking reviews and bringing your own sheets are the best way to avoid this.

May suit: Solo travellers, couples, friends and groups on a budget.

Homestays and BnBs

Sites like Airbnb and Homestay offer accommodation that is owed by locals and may come at a much cheaper price than traditional choices.

Benefits:  It is often much nicer to stay with someone who is familiar with the area and most hosts enjoy chatting to their guest about the locality and the culture. There may be other benefits such as a host allowed me the use of their spare bicycle while I was staying with them which saved me a lot of money. The sites have lots of reviews which you can look at before you book and you can choose to filter your options from private room, shared or entire apartments.

Downfalls: Renting the entire apartment can sometimes be a little expensive but if you have a group, it can be relatively cost-effective. It is at the discretion of the host to cancel the booking if it doesn’t suit them but you can check their reliability and their reviews to avoid this.

May suit: Anyone, they can cater for all types of travellers.

Non-Profit accommodation

Couchsurfing and Servas International are websites in which hosts allow travellers to stay for free. WorkAway is a website for hosts who will offer you food and board in exchange for a few hours labour per day, excluding typical chores. Similarly, WWOOF Ireland provides free accommodation and food in exchange for working in organic farms on home soil, here in Ireland.

Benefits: Obviously, if you are on a tight budget, this is the cheapest option. Some hosts may not necessarily offer you their couch, lots of people have spare rooms on offer. You also have the benefit of mixing with local people who can teach you a little more about the area. Couchsurfing may also be a handy tool for contacting locals who might want to meet up for a drink too!

Downfalls: You might not have the most comfortable of situations, in terms of where you lay your head and the people you might encounter. Female travellers may have to be a little more cautious about who they stay with and bear in mind that the host may not necessarily be the problem, sometimes there are other housemates which may cause problems.

May suit: Solo travellers, couples or friends on a budget or looking for a holiday that is a little more adventurous.

And so, you have it. A few options to consider for your next holiday, regardless of your budget. With more and more competition cropping up for hotels, it’s worth your while considering all your options before you hand over your hard earned cash.

Was I raped?

Disclaimer

This is a fictional blog post about sexual consent. Some readers may find the content upsetting. Links will be posted below for support websites. Readers can always contact me if they would like to talk about it more with me.  

Hey Friend,

I’ve been pretty busy, sorry I haven’t written in a while.

I wanted to talk to you about something. It’s something that I’ve tried not to think about too much. I feel awful when I do. I feel so dirty.

It’s awkward to talk about sex, for me anyway. I don’t like to discuss these things openly. I feel like it’s too private. But I have to tell you what’s going on in my head, I just need to get it off my chest.

I was out with my friends last week. We had pre-drinks at the house. Three bottles of wine tanked, obviously. We hit the bright lights of Limerick city, kid. It all starts to get a bit hazy after that.

I bumped into Oscar, the guy I used to work with years ago. I was delighted to see him, it had been so long since I’d seen him last. He was older than me but we always had such craic together. He was working with an accountancy firm now. Big star altogether! He was buying the girls and I drinks all night.

I got drunk so quickly. I had been really stressed out all day and I didn’t eat anything before I went out. There was no need to drink the bottle of wine at the house.

Oscar was staring at me all night. He has these strange, intense green eyes, I was always fascinated by them. It was like they were glowing. It was a little uncomfortable, I felt like he was undressing me with his eyes.

I did wear that really low cut top. Everyone stares at my breasts when I wear that top, some other guy even motor-boated me on the dancefloor!

I can’t really remember leaving the club. Oscar was driving so he told us he would drop us home. I don’t know what happened then but it ended up being me alone in the car with him. The drive home is so blurry. I was talking a lot but I don’t remember anything I was saying.

I always say such stupid shit when I’m drunk. Maybe I said something that made him think that I wanted to have sex. It wouldn’t be like me, I don’t normally speak to guys in that way.  

Next thing, I woke up in my bed the next morning. I was lying under the covers, stripped, naked. I felt my body shudder when I remembered. I felt filthy. Thank god he left.

I can’t remember much but I remember him cackling in the car when I told him I was 25, and told me he was 37 years old now.

“12 years older than you!” he laughed.

Shouldn’t he have known better to think that I wanted to have sex? I was so drunk. I couldn’t talk. Even when I realised what was happening, I couldn’t even tell him to stop. I wanted to scream at him to get off me. I didn’t want to have sex. Why did he think I did?

Was it my fault? I drank too much. I always do that, especially when I’m stressed. I get into such states when I fuel the fire of my anxious mind with alcohol. But does that mean that he could take advantage of me like that.

But I do think sometimes I draw attention to myself by wearing low cut tops. Lots of people pass comments about my boobs ALL the time when I’m out anyway. Maybe I shouldn’t be encouraging it by wearing such revealing clothing.

But I want to wear the clothes too. I feel good when I wear them. Not because everyone is saying it to me. In fact, I actually get really tired of guys telling me how gigantic my boobs. I know they are I carry these girls around all day! 

I want to wear it because it looks good on me. Why not flaunt what you got?

Did I say that I wanted to have sex with him? I don’t remember anything that we were talking about. But I've never fancied him so I don’t think I would have given that impression, I never have before.

I thought Oscar looked like a weird lizard human. I distinctly recall noticing the strobe lights shining on his oddly shiny head in the club.I definitely didn't flirt with him, I know I didn't.

Did I give my consent for the sexual encounter I had?

Was I raped?

As you can imagine, there is a lot going through my mind right now. I still haven’t figured this out. It may seem simple, but rape is such a strong word. It’s difficult to use it so sometimes it’s easier to make an excuse for it. Then, I don’t have to face the reality of the situation.

I don’t think people understand what consent is. Where do we draw the line?

I need to get some rest right now. Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll know what to do.

Thanks for listening, as always.

Love,

Jane

P.S. Here is the link to the brilliant video explaining consent. You should watch it! It's not always easy to understand but this video manages to keep it pretty simple. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKn96LdbRl0

Support

RCC:  National Helpline 1800 77 8888 or email counselling@rcc.ie.

Rape crisis help: http://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/

Samaritans freephone: 116 123

Teenline freephone: 1800 833 634 or text ‘teen’ to 50015. 

  

Note from the writer

Unfortunately, I can say that l that I have been taken advantage of while intoxicated. It’s a horrible experience, and I feel dismayed to say that I’m certain that there are many girls have been violated in this manner. I know there are.

It is totally inappropriate for guys to push for sex when girls are too drunk to discuss it. It doesn’t matter what a girl is wearing, how much she drank, how much she was asking for it.

We have a disgusting culture of slapping the offensive terms like slut and whore on girls too. It makes it easier for guys to convince themselves that it’s tolerable, in my opinion. I wish girls would see the injustice we are creating with the language we use towards one other. It certainly makes it easier for men to think it’s acceptable.

What upsets me most is that I feel, as a woman, that it is my responsibility that to avoid situations where this could happen.

It’s our responsibility to protect ourselves to the best of our ability, I think. The real world is a dangerous place.

Sometimes, it’s not always under our control. We’ve all had too much to drink before. It doesn’t mean that we should be sexually abused.

Yours truly,

Amy Ryan

Dear Dickhead: An Open Letter to All the Mean Boys

Dear Dickhead,

First of all, let me begin by saying I’m so glad that you are no longer in my life. You are a rotten person, through and through. I’m doing great, although I know you don’t actually care about how I’m doing. You never asked me how I was, that always made me feel so sad. If we were nothing else, were we not old friends?

At this point, I don’t even want to be your friend, which goes against everything I believe in. I believe in forgiveness and acceptance that the past is something that we should reflect but not dwell on. I’ve had to make exceptions for you because you’re a special kind of cunt. So, in truth, I wish you the very worst in life because that’s what you deserve. I feel guilty even saying that to you but that just proves that I’m a better person than you could ever hope to be.

I have a couple of unanswered questions that I’d like to ask. We both know why you never answered them. If you had told me the truth, why would I have ever let you worm your way back inside my head? That, I’ve now learned, is the sweet art of manipulation.

Did you ever even have any feelings for me? I don’t understand how you could have treated me the way you did if you had felt something for me. If you didn’t, why on earth did you keep up the charade for all this time? Did you enjoy playing cat and mouse with me? I may have played the game for quite a while but you knew, deep down, that I had feelings for you and you used that to your advantage when I was most vulnerable. How could you do that to me?

Do you have any remorse for the way you treated me? Or have you plastered the wall up along with the rest of your dirty past? I hope you feel the pain, shed the tears and attempt to move on from the misery that is to have a broken heart. I want you to know how much it hurt each time you ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. Then, when you’ve put it back in your chest, stitched the wound and the skin is being to heal, I want her to rip it out again. And again. And again. Just so you know.

“You know how I feel, don’t be stupid.”

“Why are you being so paranoid?”

“They don't need to know about us, it's none of their business anyway!”

I hope these are the answers she gives you when you ask the questions I asked. I hope the ambiguity kills you. I hope it eats you up inside. I hope you become so insecure that you don’t feel like you can trust your own thoughts anymore. I thought that’s what crazy, stupid love was all about. Now, I realise that you twisted my mind so much that I had become a person I didn’t recognise anymore.

When I look in the mirror these days, what do I see? I see a beautiful, caring, open person who made a very bad choice to let you into my life. I’ll never look back.

With all the hate and anger in my heart,

Amy 

Adulting is the WORST

So we're all getting older every fecking day but are we getting any wiser? I like to think that I've matured into a somewhat responsible adult after living in a different country alone however I've found many, many downfalls to being Miss Independent. Here are some of the worst things about adulting.

1. What happened to my 14 hour lie-ins? I used to stay up until 3 am on a school night (reading Harry Potter and Darren Shan) and now, well now I'm peeved with myself if I stay up past 1 am because I know I'll be tired and I'll wake up early because my stupid body clock craves Weetabix at 10 am every day. Stress.

2. Appointments- Does everybody have as many appointments as me? Why is there always somebody else to schedule an appointment with? That makes me have to think about what I'm doing another day other than today and I don't even know what day it is,

3. Canceling appointments- I now feel terribly guilty when I have wastefully taken up somebody's time so I have to make the dreaded call to tell them that I can't make it, along with a fabricated excuse while I lay on the couch eating jellies, reveling in my boldness...

4. Washing clothes- Why on earth did my mother never tell me that maintaining clean, ironed clothing is the biggest bane of life itself? I mean you have to really plan the whole thing out which refers back to my previous issue of having to make any future plans. And we've all done it, forgotten the washing in the machine for ages until they smell and you have to do it AGAIN! Or forgetting them on the washing line until they are sun-starched or soaked in the rain smell and you have to do the whole thing AGAIN.

5. Feeling like you are being exorcised when all you've done is drunk a few scoops with the lads. My body just hurts, like everywhere. There is no chance of doing anything in any way productive except balling up under the duvet, in complete darkness ( praise our Lord for black-out curtains) and slowing morphing into a vampire...

6. Metabolism; are you still there? Are you doing anything? Hello? It's quite shocking that never reached obese on the BMI scale with the amount of manure I consumed on a daily basis in the past when Mr. Metab was in full swing. Unfortunately, I now resemble the Michen man with the few spare tyres hanging out in the belly region. I can no longer enjoy McDonalds, Subway, 3 in 1s, Dominos etc. in the same way I did before university, which is shit 'cause they're lovely! And worst of all, I'm becoming concious of what I'm eating. I eat vegetables now, I fucking hate vegetables.

7. Maintaining a home in terms of paying bills, keeping it clean and buying groceries. I might as well be running a business with the amount of organisational skills it demands. The worst day ever is when you realise that you've run out of toilet paper after you've made a poo and you have to figure out what to do next. Mammy never leaves it run out.

8. Your health becomes important and you even get letters to remind you that you're getting old and you need to grow up. These come in the form of cervical smear reminders. It feels like you're sticking your finger in my belly button and I just don't like it. I also take note of the colour of my wee to make sure I'm properly hydrated, when did this become relevant in my life?

9. Watching people change, or equally not changing at all, is a very hard part of adulting. There also comes a sad day when you've realised that you've changed too and it's not the same as it was before because life is so difficult now and you have to leave some of them behind.

10. Talking about boring shite and formulating opinions about what is happening in the world. Last week, I found myself saying "Oh God, this weather is going to be terrible for drying clothes. What are we going to do?". Umm, why do I care?

So we all agree it's pretty shite right? If you're looking for help, you can call 1800-999-MAMMY. Other than I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out!

Dear Diary

Hi all,

Been a while since I wrote on my blog but wanted to make an effort to do it for 2017. So, hello again!

What's new you ask? Well, I'm studying a Masters in Journalism in UL, love the campus but not the city. I miss Cork! Everyone's heart seems to lie in the city you first went to university. I'm back working in a local shop in Tipperary and teaching English in Limerick. College is great, I love being back in college now that I have my head half screwed on and actually understand the importance of it all. It's really enjoyable getting stuck into life on campus and I'm learning so much, it's great! People I've come across are legendary also.

 I'm trying to start doing more exercise, went to a class called 'Body Pump' during the week and couldn't walk for two days after it. The stairs were a real struggle and we all know the difficulty in trying to get on the toilet after some serious squats. Still, I will persevere! I'm back swimming too, love that. Only think that completely empties my brain for a while.

As per usual, I'm also trying to juggle an active social life on top of all the work I have. That's a major struggle. It seems my body is not, I repeat NOT, able to cope with hangovers anymore. Even worse than that is the crippling fear and anxiety I have after a serious stab at a good session. It's terribly depressing. I know I sound like an old hen talking but, I remember the days that I would stay out all night and get up for work at 9, no problemo. I have to allow for two days of pain after a little partying these days. What's the craic with that?

All these things include the fact that I'm just exhausted all the time. Is this what it means to be an adult? Am I old now? I feel like all this has happened since I reluctantly fell into the other side of my twenties. Or I just being paranoid?

"No," says my body.

I was thinking lately of naming that paranoid bitch in the back of my head. And she shall be called, Janet. I feel like its an appropriate name for an irritation. Sorry to any Janets out there, it's nothing personal. We all know a woman who is just always pointing out the negatives in EVERYTHING and just seems to revel in making you feel bad about yourself. Fear, paranoia, anxiety, vulnerability and negative emotions are the wicked formula which forms......Janet.

What else? I have plenty other crap going on in my brain these days too. As some of my friends could tell you, I do tend to get a little stressed when I'm busy. Although I actually thrive on being busy. Active body, active mind! So I've started back counseling again too which I'm happy about. It felt great to have someone to just let it all out with. It's relieving but it can be hard too. It's really hard if you decide that you actually what to tackle the dung deep down. It stinks down there!

Anyway, that's a positive note to end with. All steps towards the best version of me I hope!

Peace out y'all!

Amy

P.S.
Recommended viewing for the week: Medication Nation on RTE, essential viewing!